5 signs you’re struggling with abandonment issues—without even realising it
You have probably joked for the watch of signs of abandonment problems – by doing them to explain why you panic when your partner wants one night alone, or why you are in Triple Texting someone who takes too long to answer. But there is a difference between being a little needy from time to time and living in a constant state of: “What if everyone leaves me?”
Basically, “abandonment problems arise from a deeply anchored anxiety or anxiety with regard to the possible rejection or to the loss of someone,” explains Hasti Afkhami, LMFT, a psychotherapist based in Los Angeles at Bustan Therapy certified in trauma therapy. Although feelings of abandonment can appear in minor situations, for example, your best friend seeming more distant than usual, these reactions often go back to more fundamental experiences. It is very likely to come from a past where a parent or a caregiver (but also in some cases, a partner or a spouse) was not available, absent, incoherent or abusive.
Whatever the cause, these early injuries tend to infiltrate all relationships (even with those who have done nothing to make you question their loyalty). This is why the recognition of the problems of abandonment actually is an important first step to feel more safe.
Beyond daily concerns or a little reflection, these are the signs to seek.
1. You cling firmly and are constantly looking to reassure
Even the smallest piece of perceived distance can be anxious for anyone wearing abandonment injuries. Thus, in a desperate effort to maintain this feeling of security, you can show a really sticky behavior – a sign revealing abandonment problems, explains Kaytee Gillis, LCSW, psychotherapist specializing in trauma and author of Healing of parents’ abandonment and negligence.
It’s not just a question of wanting a business. “You become too dependent on the others so that you feel good,” explains Gillis. “It is as if an injured inner child is desperate for the love and affection they did not obtain when they were younger”, which explains why you could expect instant textual responses or at night calls to feel safe. Or you can ask questions like: “Are you angry with me?” Or: “Do you still love me?” The second where you detect a slight change in tone. You might even find yourself labeling with each race or social event just to avoid being left out – or in your mind, left behind.
2. You base your self -esteem on someone else’s actions
People with abandonment problems will generally interpret few normal changes – a partner wanting a “guy evening”, your favorite colleague canceling the Plans de l’Happy Hour last second – as proof that they are no longer loved or wanted, explains Ruschelle Khanna, LCSW, psychotherapist based in New York.
