5 signs you’ve got a ‘victim mentality,’ according to experts
To be fair, “it can be really uncomfortable to admit when you have done something bad or you blame yourself”, explains Amelia Kelley, PHD, LCMHC, owner of Kelley Counselling and Wellness in Cary, in North Carolina, and G de G de GAslighting Recovery for women: the complete guide to recognize manipulation and freedom of emotional abusee. For some people, this discomfort is enough to trigger an instinct for self-protection to divert, blame or jump to rationalizations, explains Dr. Kelley. In more extreme cases, however, this response is more than a little defense or shame – it becomes a reflexive scheme to avoid all the time.
2. You tend to see your own hurtful actions as justified
Past trauma and mental health struggles help explain the context behind harmful actions or comments. That said, to point them constantly as the reason why you mistreat others – and expect others to simply treat – could be a subtle sign of a victim mentality, according to Moore.
Perhaps you are bored that your partner is upset that you broke them – it is not as if he did not know that you had a hectic childhood with authoritarian parents. Or you are confused why your friend is upset about your breakdown (you have already explained why you are so bad with time management). Obviously, the context behind your behavior is also an important part of your experience, but make sure that you do not use your personal difficulties as a free pass to continue the behavior that others have made you know injuring or confusing.
3. You find it difficult to see the gray areas
You probably know that in theory, people are rarely all good or all bad. But when you are stuck in the state of mind of the victim, it can be difficult to recognize the nuances. Rather than entertaining the gray areas of a situation, you could fall into a black and white thought where you can play the roles of the good guy and the villain, explains Natalia Amari, LCSW, a psychotherapist based in Austin and creator of Rebel in Bloom, an online platform providing emotional well-being resources.
For example, if your best friend is slow to answer your texts, you can take more balanced explanations – maybe they are occupied or outdated! – and land on They don’t care about me Or I am the only one to make efforts in this friendship instead. Or if your boss gives you constructive comments, it may look less like support and more as if they are a total micro-meterorator or your work is SO unknown. When your brain jumps to extremes like that, it is a good sign that you are taken in your own experience, says Amari – and may not consider someone else’s POV.
4. You constantly replay the injuries (and let them remember)
With a victim mentality, it is easy to feel that your whole life is defined by the painful things you have experienced, says Dr. Kelley not fix them. It might seem constantly evoking an incident of years (like the moment they have forgotten your birthday) even if they have been reliable since, or always feeling injured not to be included in a group trip, whether they apologized or recognized your feelings.
