How to be less controlling when you’re used to having your way, according to therapists

Anyone who is perpetually stressed about how things are done or prospering a clear plan has probably been invited to relax and learn to be less controlling. Thanks to its charged connotation, management is often considered toxic and manipulative (which, for the record, can be). But assuming that you do not constitute, intimidating or harm to anyone otherwise, it is in double of all the details – or pushes so that things are done in your own way – does it make you as an advanced tyrant of power?

Generally, “it can be useful to consider control behaviors as reactions to feel a certain type of fear,” explains Annabelle Dortch, Psyd, a license psychotherapist based in Los Angeles – in particular, “a fear that resembles”, if I do not manage this, no one will do it. “Or check with your partner several times on his social media habits because you are afraid that they are cheating on you.

Essentially, you could manage people (or situations) to try to make life safe and predictable. But as you can expect, directing others or worrying about questions outside your influence can erase your relationships, not to mention the mentally exhausted, underlines Dr. Dortch.

This is why it is so important to let go of this overwhelming desire to control and find healthier means to feel safe. Here’s how to loosen this handle and follow the flow, according to experts.

1. Be curious to lead you to take care of

There is a good chance that you are not born with a tight handle or of the type A personality. As mentioned above, “there is generally a story behind the control that goes:” If I do not do it X, then Y “, explains Dr. Dortch. Perhaps you were the oldest of the family, overwhelmed by emotional and financial responsibilities from an early age, and that is why you believe that if you do not manage everything, it will collapse. Or your need to call the shots stems from a fragile self -esteem: if you are not the leader, then people will see you as useless or incompetent.

The first step to learn to be less controlling is therefore to consider where this desire comes from. But “what is most effective here is to exchange criticism for curiosity,” she says. So notice when you are about to fly over your partner’s phone, for example, but don’t think you are “sticky” or “unsafe”. Instead, ask yourself: Why should I see who they send SMS? Do I need to reassure them from them? Is there a feeling of stability that I miss in this relationship? From there, you will have a solid starting point to put into practice the adaptation mechanisms approved by experts.

2. Refrase the opinions of others as different, not “bad”

A great reason why people slip into control behavior is that they are convinced that they only know the best way to do things. So often, however, there is not only one correct method to plan a journey of friends or clean a disorderly apartment. Someone’s approach may even work as well as, if not better, yours.