Does conscious uncoupling really work? Here’s 5 ways to end your relationship with grace
Although well in theory, of course, the idea can be difficult to put into practice, especially when someone is in the depths of despair of rupture. “One of the most difficult parts to put an end to a relationship is that we are undertaking an extremely sensitive task while our emotional bandwidth is limited,” explains Brerts. “A conscious decoupling allows the expression of all these feelings, but obliges each person to appropriate their contribution to the dynamics of the relationships which led to challenges and to resist the desire to blame the other.”
The stages of conscious decoupling
Recognize the end
First, the two partners must agree that the relationship does not work. If the split is not mutual, “the partner who chooses to put an end to the relationship must take the brave step to be honest with himself and his partner,” explains the Burrets. “It can be tempting to avoid the truth, but a failure to be direct leads to the partner’s conduct, to waste time and to prolong the pain.
Communicate openly
Acting with integrity means approaching the split with “compassion for yourself, your partner and the relationship that was”, explains the integrative psychotherapist Jenny Mahlum, who recommends using “I” declarations instead of “you” accusing statements during the discussion of the relationship. “Focus on mutual respect and shared objectives, such as co-parenting if children are involved or preserve a friendship,” adds the Burteries.
Set limits
To get out of the romantic relationship and in a new dynamic, new limits must be traced. “This could include the limitation of certain types of communication or the establishment of basic rules for interactions in the future,” explains the Bluns, which emphasize that this step should not be overlooked: “People can sometimes forget that for a relationship evolving in something else, we must define clear limits to create a space for healing.”
Reflect, release, redefine
Real healing involves taking the time to honor the lessons learned in the relationship. “Release resentment or anger by forgiveness,” advises Mahlum. And, as with any break, “allow yourself to feel and treat emotions rather than delete them, and treat yourself with kindness and understanding that you offer a close friend.”
Also resist the urge to excessively restore the relationship with your ex. Remember that you cannot expect them to offer the same emotional support they have done, even if the ultimate hope is to stay friends. “A successful conscious decoupling implies a process of redefinition of the relationship,” notes the burlets. “Instead of considering the break as a failure, we can crop it into transition and an opportunity.
Ask for support
Couple therapy can be useful even when you separate, especially if you have shared children or assets. A trusted therapist can keep you responsible and help to mediate all the conflicts that arise. “Consider individual or joint therapy to navigate in emotional complexities,” explains Mahlum.
