How to help a friend in a toxic relationship, according to therapists
You don’t have to know all the details of your friend’s relationship to feel that something is … off. Perhaps your best friend increases the shoulders of her partner’s frequent texts as if they were not biggies (“he worries when I do not answer immediately!”) Or always has a story about their last “silly” fight. Or maybe they just don’t seem to be lately – more defensive, less optimistic or unusually silent in the group cat. From the outside, it doesn’t look great, but does it mean you should do something?
For flagrant red flags such as physical violence and manifest manipulation, the following steps often seem clearer: intervene. Talk. Get them help. But when you are dealing with summary, jerkish or inconsiderate behaviors that your friend does not deserve – but that does not align with classic signs of physical or emotional violence – understanding how (or if) you should get involved. You might say that it is not your business or your concern that you react excessively. What if they are well closed? But also … What if it is not the case?
“It’s a delicate situation,” explains Marni Feuerman, LCSW, LMFT, approved therapist in Boca Raton, Florida and author of Ghosted and crawling: Stop falling for unavailable men and be intelligent on healthy relationships. “The last thing you want is that your friend would be distant because you are critical of his relationship. But again, you may see something that they may not do, especially if they are taken in romance.”
As uncomfortable as these conversations may be, approaching them with care and compassion is essential. Here’s how to help a friend in a toxic relationship – without transforming him into “Your partner is zero!” roast session.
1. Request permission before providing advice
Even if you come from a good place, a random “you deserve better than someone who uses you”, can land more like an insulting judgment than a tie. Instead, “it is better to ask for permission before giving comments,” said Angela Sitka, LMFT, psychotherapist based in Santa Rosa, California, when they already open on their relationship.
First try to feel the atmosphere with a line like: “I say that only because I care about you, but I noticed a few things on your partner – would you be open to hear me?” This gives your boyfriend a head high (or the possibility of suggesting a better time), so your “intervention” becomes more thoughtful, mutual and much less blind.
2. Avoid dramatic insults and be precise on What You noticed
Radical generalizations on how your friend’s partner is “toxic” or “horrible” are not exactly useful. A more productive way to get your message across, the two experts are suitable, is to underline something specific that you have seen (or that they mentioned) without adding your own comment.
