How to quit gossiping—or at least do it less harmfully
Knowing how to stop gossip seems easy in theory, but doing it in fact is a whole different story. Of course, most of us pretend to hate drama, and basically, we are probably well aware that talking about shit is not the healthiest hobby. But that does not always prevent us from taking the grip … or even using it to bond with others.
“By default, we are social beings,” explains Fanny Tristan, LCSW, psychotherapist and founder of Restority Space in New York. “We are talking about others” – and this desire to overthrow tea does not always come from terrible intentions of attention research. Maybe you talk about a friend who has bail out your plans (again), and before you know, you drop all kinds of details on other times they have dropped.
Where it becomes really messy is when the gossip ceases to be on your frustration and begins to look like a Wicked girls-Thyle Takedown of another person. Like … when you speculate on the reason why this colleague was transmitted for a promotion – and suddenly, you have found racing theories on their “bad attitude”. Or when the Ringard Instagram publications of a certain couple have become weekly entertainment for your group cat. Not only do these excavations stand out, well, but “this cycle of being a hateful can affect confidence in your Relations too, ”adds Tristan. If you are known to talk about the shit of others, what prevents your loved ones from wondering if you do the same thing behind their back?
In a perfect world, we would all be nice and rests in our ways. But realistically, learning to stop chatting completely is not only difficult – it’s a little impossible. Talking about others (both positively and negatively) is a biologically human way to link and give meaning to our relationships. As in, we have evolved to share social information because it was once important for our survival: who can we trust? Who should we avoid? So, instead of aiming to make cold turkey, the next best thing you can do is find ways to make your gossip less nasty, less usual and, ideally, much less toxic. Here’s how.
1. Talking with a goal
Not all gossips are created equal. Lifting because you are really upset or confused is much more productive than kneading boredom, for example, or simply to make fun. So, before you fall: “Wait, have you heard …”, explains Ingrid Helander, LMFT, a couples therapist based in West Hartford, Connecticut, “You can take a break and ask you: Why do I share this? And is it good will?“”
