If you’re conflict-avoidant, memorise these 5 points before your next hard conversation
The word “conflict” generally recalls high voices or clumsy tensions – objects from most people – especially people in conflict – would rather avoid. But learning to manage conflicts (in a thoughtful way, it is) could be one of the most powerful skills that you can develop – not only for your relationships but for your own sense of peace.
That said, there are many valid reasons that we have culturally learned not to express our problems. On the one hand, there is the fear that speaking means that you are dramatic, difficult or “aggressive”. If you have had romantic relationships or have grown up in a household where minor clashes have regularly degenerated into crisis (or crying) crises, it is logical that you have internalized the idea that any form of tension is something to flee.
However, as Aparna Sagaram says, LMFT, owner of the space to reflect the therapy in Philadelphia, many people do not realize that all conflicts are just a kind of disagreement – which is necessarily to happen even with dear beings. You could be injured when your best friend saves at the last minute (again), for example, or frustrated that your partner never helps to clean after dinner. These are valid feelings that deserve to be discussed (otherwise, they will devote themselves to a resentment that simmer).
Thus, when you reframe occasional clashes as a way to get closer (not to get away further), it becomes less “fight” and rather to work together. The trick, of course, is to understand how to start these difficult conversations in a way that will not stir the drama or will leave no one attacked. Here’s how any people economically conflict can make these talks less intimidating, according to experts.
1. Write the “non-send” version of what you mean
One of the most difficult parts to know how to manage conflicts is to determine exactly what you want to communicate – and how to do it with goodness.
This is why Dearlette McCullough, LMFT, owner of Center Peace Couples and Family Therapy in Florida, recommends starting what it calls an “endless” version of your message in a newspaper or your application application. “Take out everything,” he said. “Write on how they hurt you, how they made you feel, how their behavior affected you.”
The objective is not to send this letter exactly as written, but rather to release these emotions in bottle for more clarity. Once you have been vomit in terms of words, McCullough says that it should be easier to examine the points that are really worth increased – say, a disdaining model or a lack of communication – and which can be better left aside (like insults). In this way, you direct with a goal, not rage.
2. Train to cope with the people you trust first
It may seem very intimidating to call a fresh adventure from which you just went out together or a colleague that you do not know very well. Instead, try to express your frustrations with the people you feel near, recommends Sagaram.
