You know your love language, but do you know your fight language? Here’s how to find out
If it’s you: It should be remembered that conflict is not automatically a bad thing – in fact, working through difficult things can be a healthy way to deepen your connections. This is why, if something really bothers you (maybe a passive-aggressive comment of a friend or the disorder of your partner), it deserves to be raised.
Of course, learning to express themselves (even if it makes someone else at ease) can be inducing anxiety. But using “I” declarations is a tactic approved by experts to communicate honestly without blame or hurt feelings. For example, “I was a little upset when …”, “I would really appreciate it if …”, or “I need reassurance on …”
3. You focus on maintaining the other happy person
People who plastize can look enough to avoid confrontation – and to be fair, they share a common hatred for conflicts and drama. But there is a subtle difference between the two styles, according to Larry Scho in the doctorate, deputy professor of communication studies at the University of Texas in Austin.
“A avoiding style will decrease to engage in any kind of significant communication on conflicts,” explains Dr. Scho in Dr., but for you, it may not be that you are afraid of disagreement and discomfort in general – it is more than you want to disappoint or upset the other person. Let’s say that you talk about your partner’s flirt and that they become an additional defensive. Where a more avoiding style could quickly drop the conversation (“forget that I even mentioned it is good”), you could become too excused or say that you are only mistaken to calm them down. Basically, you have concentrated so much about the prioritization of someone else (because you care so much!) That you cannot find a resolution that benefits you both, not just them. Over time, these trends could maintain peace on the surface, but they often get to the detriment of your own needs.
If it’s you: Again, the disagreement with someone does not mean that they will suddenly hate you. So, remember that it is normal to express yourself, says Dr. Schoolher, even if it is difficult at first.
Another thing to think, he adds, is What You concede – and more importantly, why. Do you really agree with your text on their ex, or do you only pretend that because you are afraid to break with you otherwise? Encourage yourself to have raised a real problem seems fair, or do you only say what you think you want to hear? A little self-reflection can teach you to prioritize during moments of discord so that you do not give automatically each time.
4. You delete … until you explode
At first, you could try to hide any frustration or unhappiness, convince yourself to keep your mouth closed and pretend that everything is fine. Basically, however, a suppressor will find his emotions to be built quietly. “They say nothing, they pacify, they dropped,” explains Lisa Brateman, LCSW, psychotherapist based in New York and author of What are we really fighting?. “Then all of a sudden, they can no longer manage it and simply tear.” This explosion – whether in the process of slamming anger or suddenly crying in mid -argument – generally catch foreigners, letting them wonder why you went from zero to one hundred.
